SCENE ONE OFFICE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE WITH HER. MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER AND CARLY WALKS IN. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! FRANKLIN: MISS BRIGGS! MISS IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD TELL AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN START ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN OF HER! MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW THIS YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE ON SATURDAY. BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! MISS ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO MAIN SCENE OPENS WITH SAM A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU FOR? KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. AND WHAT AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. SAM: YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS HAIR TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA. SAM: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS! CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND! CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!
SCENE THREE CARLYS SCENE WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. YOU DROPPED THIS! CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE AUDITIONS. YEAH, BUT ILL JUST USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE SAYING IM CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG AROUND THIS PIPE SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS. I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME UP. CARLY SPENCER UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS UP. YEP! THAT FIXED HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR PART 1 ROOM SCENE OPENS CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM IN THE DOOR. SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU MEAN I TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: CARLY NEVER LOVE YOU OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME. FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA. (IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY! FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: CARLY: WE DONT WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB PUTS A ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WHEN SHE BE BACK? JEB PUTS HIS ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WHERE CAN I FIND HER? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. WHAT YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! YOU DONT KNOW? CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! BUT YOU MUST KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT SAM: I KNOW. FOUR PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. SCENE PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT! SAM: AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR 6 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. THATS NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND STANDS UP. WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE APARTMENT AT NIGHT SCENE WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, SAM? UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. WHAT TIME IS IT? CARLY: LATE. WHENS MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT! WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. WHATCHA DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS! SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? NO. HE UPLOADED US! SAM: LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. SAM: US! CARLY: IS! FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! CARLY SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: (YELLING) THATS 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.